WEBVTT

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I do think family can screw you up.

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I have a lot of freedom from my parents, 
they’re not really strict with me.

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I personally don’t think it's 
anything to do with them.

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I think it's up to you how 
you choose to live your life.

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You can have too little security, 
you can have too much security.

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You can have a parent who's too distant 
and a parent who's too close.

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But all childhoods are disappointing 
in some ways and there is always damage.

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All parents damage all children.

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The important question is whether your parents 
were not perfect, but good enough.

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As a parent, the motto is: you will fail. 
The important question is: how you fail.

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We don’t talk about everything, we don’t 
communicate everything on a personal level

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but I think that's normal, that's the way 
I've been brought up anyway.

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I think the way we communicate with each other...

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It doesn’t really have an 
effect on my relationship

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with my friends or my girlfriend or anyone else.

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Your upbringing as a child shapes you as an adult 
in many more ways than you would think.

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There's the biological and genetic bit,

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but you learn in a family 
how to behave emotionally,

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so shy kids often come from shy families.

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But, after about 8, you're more influenced by 
your peer group, people you go to school with,

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so parents have to do their 
best work by the age of 8.

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I've always seen my parents as my guide.

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If your parents have been divorced and 
you've had a hard time dealing with it

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I think you're more likely 
to take marriage more seriously.

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People don't go into a marriage 
in order to get divorced.

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They go into a marriage hoping to stay together.

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They’re trying to solve their problems

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and they don’t always have 
the right skills to do that.

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Go in humble, go in saying I've got a lot to learn,

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and go in realising that when 
two people get together,

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whether it's a love affair, living together, 
or getting married,

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it's two whole sets of family values 
that are crashing on the motorway.

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You've got to give it some time to sort it out.

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My parents were never married 
and they split up at a young age

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but I know lots of people who've had divorces 
and most people got over it.

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It’s not a big deal.

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I'm pretty screwed up right now anyway 
as I am so...

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And they’re still together, 
so I can't really tell.

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My family screw me up, most of the time, 
it's argumentative all the time.

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If you're worried that your family 
doesn't work very well,

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you could try to see if there are things 
that you can all do together

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which you are not doing at the moment.

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It may be there are particular problems, 
maybe there is too much booze, too much telly.

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One of the basic problems is that young people 
develop much faster than old people.

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So old people are out of touch, 
they still think you like My Little Pony,

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when you're heavily into Garage or 
whatever the music is that you like.

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You need to keep reminding 
your parents in a polite way,

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this is what I do, this is what I like, 
these are the things in my life, my values,

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these are the things I want you to respect in me.

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If somebody does nice stuff for you, 
do you like them more or less?

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If you make your mum or dad a cup of tea

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are they more likely to be more nice to you 
than if you are just sulking?

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Adolescence is a defining moment.

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When you're a teenager you want to be 
so different from your mum and dad

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that it's clear you are not like them.

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So when you've proved that point, 
you can relax and turn into them

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By about the age of 25, all things being equal, 
you turn into your parents.