WEBVTT

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She was a very gentle, kind person who'd always 
help me out when I needed advice.

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You construct this memory of 
who the person was

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and it's something you can hold on to.

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Growing up there was me, my dad Steve, 
mum Joanne and my sister Rebecca.

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I was 17 when my mum started acting quite ill,

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a cough when we were on holiday; 
we came back and it got worse.

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She was admitted to hospital, 
further from that she was diagnosed with cancer.

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We were all scared. My dad told me and Becky 
and we were both shocked,

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wondering about the consequences, chemotherapy 
and the thought of her perhaps dying.

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She was in hospital from November.

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During that time I applied for Cambridge 
and she was very happy about that,

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but after that it was basically holidays 
which was quite lucky in a sense.

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We spent the Christmas in hospital, 
which was obviously not great,

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but perhaps knowing it would be the last one, 
we had a good time.

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We watched some movies and took presents along.

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It was just good to have that togetherness.

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We still didn’t know the full extent 
of what would happen,

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we still thought we had quite a bit of time.

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Late December, early January, she was given 
two months to live which was a massive shock.

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I think, maybe that night or the night after, 
she passed away in her sleep.

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I didn’t actually say goodbye, as in goodbye,

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but I said a lot of things, 
that was the main comfort really.

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Knowing that we'd been there by her side,

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I didn't have that death, 
bedside experience sort of thing.

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I didn’t think I'd want that 
because it is quite traumatic.

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I think knowing she died in her sleep 
is quite a good thing.

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Once you start telling other people the news 
then it starts sinking in.

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Then you realise, oh my god, this had happened.

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People are very helpful in the first few months 
because they're shocked by it as well,

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on it's effect on you and if they 
knew the person who passed away,

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they're dealing with their own mini grief, 
which is very short-lived and they move on.

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They carry on and start to become,

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not unsympathetic, but sort of 
insensitive in some cases.

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You find out who your friends are at these times.

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Luckily for me, my whole school was supportive.

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They do try and map you 
through the stages of grief

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but I don't think it's that linear.

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Each person is individual in their grief 
so you just do what you have to do,

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find an outlet for whatever emotions you have. 
For me it was sport.

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Whenever I felt angry I'd go and play football.

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I'm quite reserved and defensive about 
letting people know how I feel,

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so it was quite hard for me to 
get out there and talk about it.

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Men often bottle it up, don’t talk about it 
and that can come back and haunt you.

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It's been two years now and I’d say I've moved on 
in terms of dealing with the bereavement.

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I still think about her every day, but I can 
deal with it better than I did in that first year.

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The only regret you have 
is something you can't help really

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and that is the fact that you take your family 
for granted until they're taken away from you.

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It's important that if you do know when or if 
someone is falling ill, you spend time with them.

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You make commitments and sacrifices for that 
so you can be there for them.

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I think we did that.