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I think he did it because he couldn't 
see any way out,

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and I think he thought he was 
letting people down constantly

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and he could never see a way where 
he wouldn’t be doing that.

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If he had got hit by a car or something, 
I'd probably feel more angry,

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because there's somebody to blame then, 
whereas now there isn't really anybody to blame.

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I have two younger sisters who live with my dad.

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When my mum remarried she had 
my brother Ollie and my sister.

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I think I was 5 or 6 at the time.

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Until he was about 15, we were very close.

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My brother changed when we moved house.

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I don’t know if it was the friendship group that 
he moved into, or if he couldn't settle in school.

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He just seemed to become a bit depressed.

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As he got older and more involved in drugs 
he became really depressed and lethargic.

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He started off on cannabis and it 
moved to lots of different things.

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He regularly took cocaine.

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He tried heroin, lots of different things.

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My parents knew what was going on but 
we didn’t think it was as bad as it actually was.

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It wasn't all the time, we still had happy moments.

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He was 18, I'd just got him a job at the 
same pub where I worked part-time.

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He was training to become a chef.

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It was one of his friend's birthdays, 
so he was going out in the evening.

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The next day he seemed in a weird mood.

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He walked in and said to her, "I've lost 
my wallet with all the money in".

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She was like, "For goodness sake"; 
my dad was like, "Ollie, that's so typical."

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They got a bit angry, but they didn't argue, 
and then he just walked out. This was about 7:30 am

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He didn’t come back.

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Monday evening we came back from work 
and there were no signs he'd been in.

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Work had called us and said, 
"Why hasn't he come in?"

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Mum and Dad turned up half an hour later and 
they said the police had gone to their places of work

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to tell them that, at the weekend, someone 
had jumped in front of a train

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and they said he matched the description of Ollie.

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When Mum and Dad first told me 
that he'd died I think I laughed.

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I just couldn't believe that would have happened.

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I thought it was a joke.

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People jumping in front of trains, you never 
think it will happen to anybody you know.

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I really could not believe it.

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We weren't allowed to go and identify the body

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and the only way the police knew it was him

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was because we'd given good descriptions 
of tattoos he had on his arms.

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They said all that was left was one of his arms.

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That was the only way they could identify him.

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I don't think we had a chance to say goodbye.

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It might sound bit sick, but I wish we had 
just seen that portion his arm,

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because then you would know he was dead,

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whereas now I still have dreams 
that maybe he's just run away from home,

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which is ridiculous because I know that he is dead.

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Still, a part of me doesn't want to believe it.

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I dealt with my grief by trying 
to be there for my family.

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Although I was devastated, 
my mum and dad lost their child,

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whatever I was feeling must have been 
a million times worse for them.

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I felt like I really had to try to be there for them.

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At first I felt guilty like I hadn’t done enough, 
like I could have done more for him.

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I suppose I'm always going to feel some of that guilt.

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It has lessened a bit now.

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I never cried much.

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I cried a lot straight after 
he died and at the funeral,

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but I'm quite good at holding everything in.

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I don’t think that's a very good thing 
to hold all your feelings in,

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I think you should express them more, 
and that helps you grieve.

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For other people who may know somebody 
who is going through some kind of trauma,

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do talk about it because otherwise 
it feels like you've forgotten that person

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and like they were never alive.

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I still feel a bit of shock and disbelief 
now that I can't believe he's gone.

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He was with me for 18 years and now 
he's dead and I'm never going to see him again.

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Now I feel really sad because we should 
have had a relationship our whole lives

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and I feel like I'm going to miss out on so much.

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The last conversation we had 
is crystal clear in my mind.

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We were both working at this pub, I was 
behind the bar and he was in the kitchen.

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We both finished at about 11, and he 
asked me to buy him a pint of Guinness, which I did.

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I had a glass of wine and we sat and had a drink.

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It was really nice and we had a proper 
conversation and a laugh with a few of the locals.

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It's a nice last memory.