WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:00.500 00:00:00.500 --> 00:00:03.260 -I went quite high a few weeks ago and I went to my doctor. 00:00:03.260 --> 00:00:05.610 And he said, "Within 10 seconds of you walking in, 00:00:05.610 --> 00:00:07.360 I could tell how high you were because 00:00:07.360 --> 00:00:08.443 of what you were wearing." 00:00:08.443 --> 00:00:09.854 And I said, "But I look nice!" 00:00:09.854 --> 00:00:11.270 And he was saying, "No, you don't. 00:00:11.270 --> 00:00:14.180 You're wearing all those bright, clashing colours and loads 00:00:14.180 --> 00:00:21.400 of makeup and you just look like a mentally ill person." 00:00:21.400 --> 00:00:25.180 Manic depression is called bipolar depression 00:00:25.180 --> 00:00:27.250 because you have depression, which is one pole 00:00:27.250 --> 00:00:30.430 and you have hypomania as the other pole 00:00:30.430 --> 00:00:32.980 and you will swing between the two. 00:00:32.980 --> 00:00:36.800 I was a very good student, sort of A, A stars, two As 00:00:36.800 --> 00:00:39.670 in my GCSEs, three As in my A levels. 00:00:39.670 --> 00:00:42.360 I went to university and everyone expected 00:00:42.360 --> 00:00:44.510 that I was going to do well. 00:00:44.510 --> 00:00:47.870 And I ended up doing not as well as I should have done, 00:00:47.870 --> 00:00:50.500 because I wasn't able to work properly because I was ill. 00:00:50.500 --> 00:00:52.750 I went to my GP and I said, "There's something 00:00:52.750 --> 00:00:53.870 severely wrong with me. 00:00:53.870 --> 00:00:56.480 I want to be referred to a psychiatrist." 00:00:56.480 --> 00:00:59.260 And then I went to my psychiatrist, 00:00:59.260 --> 00:01:00.920 who is now my psychiatrist. 00:01:00.920 --> 00:01:03.680 And he said, "You've got an embryonic form 00:01:03.680 --> 00:01:05.000 of manic depression." 00:01:05.000 --> 00:01:08.190 I do get very severe depression. 00:01:08.190 --> 00:01:10.340 And quite often I'd stay in bed all day 00:01:10.340 --> 00:01:14.100 when I was low at university. 00:01:14.100 --> 00:01:17.930 Before you even wake up, in the second before you wake up, 00:01:17.930 --> 00:01:20.580 just feeling, I can't get out of bed. 00:01:20.580 --> 00:01:23.200 I can't get through the day. 00:01:23.200 --> 00:01:26.190 Nothing is ever going to get any better. 00:01:26.190 --> 00:01:28.284 If I'm low, I wash my hair and I just 00:01:28.284 --> 00:01:29.950 think, what's the point because I'm only 00:01:29.950 --> 00:01:31.520 going to have to do it again, and all the times 00:01:31.520 --> 00:01:33.500 in the future that I'm going to have to do, 00:01:33.500 --> 00:01:36.030 stretch ahead into infinity. 00:01:36.030 --> 00:01:40.230 Feeling that I look fat, that I am boring, 00:01:40.230 --> 00:01:43.500 and the social anxiety is a big part of it. 00:01:43.500 --> 00:01:47.140 Depression has stopped me doing more things than mania has, 00:01:47.140 --> 00:01:47.900 definitely. 00:01:47.900 --> 00:01:50.890 When you're high you have lots and lots and lots of ideas. 00:01:50.890 --> 00:01:53.920 And then when you're low, you don't follow them through. 00:01:53.920 --> 00:01:57.305 And I think I'm thinking and saying very profound things 00:01:57.305 --> 00:01:59.070 and making all sorts of discoveries. 00:01:59.070 --> 00:02:00.934 But generally, the people around me 00:02:00.934 --> 00:02:02.600 don't understand what I'm talking about. 00:02:02.600 --> 00:02:05.570 Just moving around a lot, being unable to sit still, 00:02:05.570 --> 00:02:08.090 being unable to sit down. 00:02:08.090 --> 00:02:12.100 Financially spending a lot of money, doing a lot of shopping, 00:02:12.100 --> 00:02:13.310 going out a lot. 00:02:13.310 --> 00:02:16.970 There isn't an in-between between low and high for me. 00:02:16.970 --> 00:02:20.340 In theory, I should be able to lessen 00:02:20.340 --> 00:02:23.800 the severity of my depressions or the severity if my mania, 00:02:23.800 --> 00:02:27.600 but that is easier said than done. 00:02:27.600 --> 00:02:30.110 If you are diagnosed with it, then you 00:02:30.110 --> 00:02:32.730 are going to get better if you do the right things. 00:02:32.730 --> 00:02:34.340 You have to keep fighting. 00:02:34.340 --> 00:02:37.930 You have to keep fighting the illness every day. 00:02:37.930 --> 00:02:39.829